ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Breaking news:
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?