Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
You Might Also Like
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
The French cow says MEUX…
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong