RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
December birthdays be like…
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
These 3D printers are insane!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share