Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
You Might Also Like
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside