The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
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I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.