Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.