Whoa… oh I see lol
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
live, laugh, laundry.