Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.