Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty