A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You Might Also Like
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs