“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile