Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running