I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
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COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…