good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.