ATMs should have breathalyzers
You Might Also Like
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you