While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
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Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The three genders.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.