I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
You Might Also Like
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics