[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
shit, they caught us—run!!!
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!