*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Cat is stressing him out.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.