A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.