So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
You Might Also Like
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.