[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Only Americans understand
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever