ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.