I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
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Clients after you give them your rates
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano