I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.