To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?