I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?