I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.