Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
twitter users today:
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk