“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.