When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
You Might Also Like
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button