I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.