i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.