What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140