Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
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Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”