If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.