Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
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in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Animal poetry
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.