I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My first son he is wonderful
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.