Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
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Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.