hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
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Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*