This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
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WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?