Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?