Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
This bar smells like my childhood.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!