*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.