I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
You Might Also Like
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.