ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
happy mother’s day❤️
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.