Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
You Might Also Like
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.