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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Ugh
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.