Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
This makes total sense…
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this