My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.